thestar.. plagiarizing.. A good reading.

Be tactful

Winning Ways by DATIN T.D. AMPIKAIPAKAN

IMAGINE what would happen if we were absolutely honest with everyone we
knew. Would anyone have the courage to be totally honest and speak their minds,
to members of the family even, for a day? Would such a thing be possible? Would
people accept “absolute honesty” of thought even from those they love?

What does the phrase “please be honest with me, tell me what you think” mean
to a person who makes this statement and to the person who hears it? Does this
mean we speak our minds and say exactly what we feel? Would we have any
friends left after doing so? Even worse, would anyone want to know us after
that?

Yet we talk about being honest and dealing with people in such a way that
they know our intentions – all this to create trusting relationships.

Every relationship, personal or business, develops because both parties look
as if they are honest and decent enough to let the relationship begin and grow.
Saying and doing the right thing is the key – this we believe. The sundry shop
owner down the street, the restaurant owner who whips up great food, the boss
who is expected to nurture his staff, the spouse who promises to love his/her
partner forever, the parent who is supposed to look after the child – we expect
honest communication from them which will build trust.

Yet, more often than not, we are forced to bite our tongue from uttering
truths about people’s behaviour so that we do not offend them. Can you honestly
say to your boss or colleague: “I don’t like you but I have to work with you,
so let’s be professional about this”?

How honest can you be in what you say? Be courteous, mind your manners and
don’t say anything to others that you would find offensive if said to you.

As human beings, whether we admit it or not, we have feelings, sensitivities
and prejudices. When we meet someone who does not accept or understand what we stand for and who says something derogatory, we take offence. We talk about our maruah (sense of pride), and criticise the “honest person” as kurang
ajar (badly brought up), “not sensitive to other people’s feelings”,
“arrogant”. How angry we feel.

Then should we not say anything honestly? Should we just keep quiet and
suffer in silence when we see an injustice? Of course the answer is No.

It takes little to offend a person when honesty is handled without thought
and dignity. What would you do if someone said the following statements to you under the guise of “being absolutely honest”?

“Who hired you, moron? Can’t you learn to do simple things without making
mistakes?”

“You know my big mistake? Marrying you!”

“What happened to the space between your ears called the brain? Is it to
let?”

“How’s your other wife?”

“Look, darling, I have only one mother and I love her. Don’t make me choose
because I can get any number of wives!”

“What a pretty necklace! Where did you get it from –

Petaling Street

?”

“Aiyo, you vegetarian, ah? So troublesome-lah!”

“What! Are you still here? You alien-lah. Not going back to
(China/India/Indonesia)?”

“What are you doing here? This is only for the Malays.”

“Wah, you Indian people, ah ? why all so black one, ah?”

Thinking before you say something should be the key even if total honesty is
called for. There is an acceptable way to say even the most offensive thing.
Emotions should not be an excuse for thoughtless remarks or insensitive
statements. I have heard many say: “I was mad and I wanted to hurt the person.”
That’s no excuse for offensive behaviour; neither is individuality,
self-expression, artistic freedom, political awareness or personal
success.

Only a mature society will know how to deal with honesty in communication.
They understand that people have a right to a life in the country that they
have chosen to reside in, and everyone must be treated with respect.

Look at the parliamentary debates in England  and see how much civility
they practise. Even if an MP wanted to be rude or sarcastic, he uses words that
make the point but are not offensive.

If you wanted to call your colleague an idiot or moron, there is a way to do
it professionally. One MP said this of his misguided colleague: “My usually
learned colleague appears to have lost the plot today. Sir, it is said that
when a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”

We all have our imperfections and we try to overcome them. So, constant
reminders of them from someone under the pretext of “honestly speaking” can be very upsetting.

Simple things like the virtue of informing people about how terrible their
attire looks comes second to the virtue of sparing their feelings. Pointing out
what is undesirable about your child, spouse, parent or colleague, loses out to
the virtues of discretion and sensitivity.

When someone asks us, “Can I be honest with you?”, we cringe because
whatever is going to be said will hurt and no one wants to be criticised
“honestly”. This does not mean that we do not tell people how we feel when there is an injustice. What we need to do is learn to do it tactfully.

VIENNA (Reuters) - Natascha Kampusch, an Austrian girl who had been held captive for eight years, escaped from her abductor when he took a phone call while she was vacuuming his car, Austrian police said on Friday.

The end of Kampusch’s eight-year ordeal has transfixed the nation and left police scrambling to fill in the blanks.

Kampusch, who was abducted as a 10-year old on her way to school, spent the past eight years in a small, windowless cell underneath a garage in the house of 44-year-old Wolfgang Priklopil in a commuter town near Vienna.

Her abductor committed suicide shortly after she escaped on Wednesday.

"He told her to vacuum the car. Then he got a phone call and stepped a few meters away to avoid the noise," Gerhard Lang, a senior federal police officer, told a news conference in the Austrian capital.

"Natascha took advantage of the situation and fled."

When he realized the girl had escaped, Priklopil sped to Vienna in his red sports car. He abandoned his car, a BMW, in a shopping mall’s parking garage before throwing himself in front of a train.

His mutilated body was later identified by the BMW’s keys in his pocket and the clothes he was wearing.

Police said they would give Kampusch a break until Monday before they continued interviewing her.

"Being questioned is a very agonizing procedure for Natascha," said Erich Zwettler, a Vienna police investigator.

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

Experts said the young woman had "Stockholm Syndrome" — a psychological condition in which long-held captives begin to identify with their captors.

"If you cannot cope with the fear for your life you start to identify with your aggressor, you try to understand what happens inside (the mind of) your captor, what is driving him," said Reinhard Haller, a forensic psychiatrist at the University of Innsbruck.

Kampusch’s mother told a local newspaper that her daughter weighed only 42 kg (93 lbs) after her escape, less than she did before her disappearance despite growing to 1.60 meters (5 ft 3 in) in height from 1.45.

Kampusch had to address her captor as "master."

After spending the first years being locked up in her six-square-meters cell, the young woman had started helping him keep up the house and with the gardening. She was also allowed to make occasional outings to the village, police said.

"Developing the Stockholm Syndrome is just normal and a very healthy reaction," Haller added. "It could only be a problem if she continues to feel for him."

Police said they were investigating whether Priklopil had acted on his own or had a helper. They could not confirm whether Kampusch had been abused during her time as a hostage.

At the news conference, police said a DNA test had formally confirmed Kampusch’s identity.

"The profile of the girl who vanished eight years ago is a match," said Lang. "The probability is one in 23 billion that it is not. For us, that is proof."

(Additional reporting by Karin Strohecker)

Reality is … there is no perfect job for you. It requires sacrifice and hardship, staying long hours so that all the KPI’s are met, and to ensure the raise and increment are big.

Reality is … muslims nowadays are not willing to lend their helping hand, let alone to the brethren in fucked up place especially Palestinian.

Reality is … you can condemn israel all you can with your anti-jewish slogan, but the world and reality is, we all live in their system or way of life.

Reality is … NEP is supposed to help the bumiputeras to raise their living standard, and to achieve world class mentality, but the truth is, it is the crutch for the lazies, and a fail-safe quick rich scheme for the priveleged.

Reality is … hard work alone will never get you where you want to go, or whether you can get a good raise. Sometimes, it requires a little bit of cheating and/or ass-kissing.

Reality is … race is a big factor in Malaysia. No matter how educated you are, truly Malaysian camaraderie doesnt exist, unless when those of the same skin color are around.

Reality is … there are things that are out of our hand. Sometimes, no matter how hard one tries, one just could not succeed. Live with it.

Reality is … even brothers fight. Heck, even lovers quarrel. Even bed-mates.

Reality is … man gives if he can get.

Reality is … friends come when they want to tell you how good paying is their job is..