Stemming the ‘I divorce you’ trend
Zainah Anwar on Friday
Zainah Anwar
New Straits Times
"HE
wished her ‘Happy Birthday’, then he pronounced ‘I divorce you’! Can
you imagine such cruelty, such heartlessness," said a friend whose
34-year-old daughter was unilaterally divorced last month by her
husband of eight years.
She called me after reading the New
Straits Times story (Sept 30) that revealed the disproportionately high
divorce rate among Muslims (15,000) compared with Chinese and Indians
(3,000).
A Muslim man’s unilateral right to divorce his wife at
will is one of the causes of the higher rate of divorce among Muslims.
The ease and impunity with which men pronounce divorce led the
religious authorities to put a stop to this practice in the 1984 model
Islamic Family Law adopted by the states in Malaysia.
Malaysia
was then one of the first Muslim countries to provide for divorce to
take place only in court. This was in accordance with the Quranic
teachings urging husbands and wives "to live together on equitable
terms or to separate in kindness".
But in 1994, because of
objections from certain quarters, the law was amended to allow the
registration of divorces outside the courts, thus defeating the
original intent and spirit of the 1984 law reform.
Now, one
only has to pay a minimal fine for breaking the law by pronouncing
talaq (repudiation) without the court’s permission, and the divorce
will be validated. Thus, this loophole in the law has led once again to
the proliferation of such divorces.
So, the stories of
irresponsible men pronouncing divorce at will and in all manner abound
again. Many years ago, a friend’s husband wished her "Happy New Year"
as the clock struck 12 and pronounced "I divorce you" in the next
breath.
Another friend did not even know she was divorced
until she received her divorce certificate in the mail from the Syariah
Court.
Then, there is the recent phenomenon of SMS divorce
which the courts, in all their wisdom, have recognised as a valid
pronouncement of divorce.
At the Sisters in Islam legal
clinic, we get emails and letters from perplexed women over the issue
of ta’liq sepah, where their husbands pronounce conditional divorce for
whatever reason they fancy.
These unregulated conditions
include: The wife stepping out of the house, going to work, going on a
business trip, picking up the phone when it rings, visiting friends or
parents, speaking to a cousin he so dislikes, voting for an infidel
political party, and so on.
The women felt that these
conditions were unfair and untenable, so they picked up the phone when
it rang, spoke to whoever they wanted, visited friends and parents, and
in one case, the husband drove her to work even though he said jatuh
talaq if she went to work that day. "What is my status, now? Am I
divorced or not? But he is still having sex with me! Am I still his
wife?"
Women’s groups have long raised the multitudes of
problems and the devastating emotional pain a woman goes through when
her marriage is terminated without her being consulted or given any
power or opportunity to prevent it or negotiate the terms.
The
calls for reform have included a return to the 1984 provision of
divorce only in courts to increasing the fine and prison sentence as a
deterrent against irresponsible husbands.
While some countries
have made divorce more difficult in order to arrest rising divorce
rates, others have put resources into marital research and education to
deal with domestic instability and unhappiness before the marriage
deteriorates or even before it starts. This is one area that the
Malaysian government should seriously look into.
In the United
States, government-funded research over 30 years has enabled experts to
predict with almost 90 per cent accuracy which couples would end up in
divorce.
The use of video cameras to record every facial
expression, gesture and change of tone has enabled John Gottman,
regarded as the guru in the field, to identify four key behavioural
traits that are the strongest divorce predictors — contempt (indicated
by eye-rolling when the other partner is speaking), criticism,
defensiveness and stonewalling.
From this research, he came
out with seven top suggestions to keep a marriage strong. The most
striking I felt was his demand that we set high standards in a
marriage. The most successful couples, he says, are those who, even as
newlyweds, refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from one another. The
lower the level of tolerance for bad behaviour in the beginning of a
relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
Another
important tip Gottman gave is the ability to accept influence. A
marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence
from his wife.
This, he says, is crucial because research
shows women are already well-practised at accepting influence from men,
and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
And
yet in a kursus perkahwinan (the pre-marital course made mandatory for
all Muslim couples) I went through, one of the listed characteristics
of a good husband, who is the leader of the household, is a man who
does not listen to his wife!
While Gottman’s model focuses on
behaviour, other researchers developed written surveys on couples’
attitudes, backgrounds and behaviour styles.
One popular
questionnaire taken by millions is called PREPARE which asks couples
before they get married to answer 165 statements on a scale of one to
five on a range of issues, including handling money, family roles,
raising children, work and leisure, spiritual and religious beliefs,
sex and affection, communication, conflict resolution, assertiveness
and self-confidence.
Developed by social scientist David Olsen
and his team at the University of Minnesota, this survey also claims
80-85 per cent accuracy on who would be happily married and who would
divorce within three years. Olsen said he found couples who stayed
happily married scored higher in such categories as realistic
expectations, communication, conflict resolution and compatibility. The
most common incompatibilities are communication, conflict resolution
and money.
Thousands of churches and synagogues in the US and
even county governments now adopt PREPARE or similar pre-marital
inventory tests and post-counselling sessions before performing a
marriage ceremony.
For over 10 years, the Islamic religious
authorities here have introduced the mandatory kursus perkahwinan and
churches too have introduced pre-marital counselling sessions. The
objective is well meaning as the emotional, health, social and economic
costs of marital conflict and divorce to families and the state is
destructive.
This should give good reason for the government to
seriously evaluate the effectiveness of these courses and invest in
research-based marriage education.
In a kursus perkahwinan
attended by my niece, not one, not two, but three ustaz within a span
of eight hours told the young would-be grooms how they could break the
law and take a second wife by crossing the border into Thailand.
One
even passed his handphone number should the men need his help. Two male
friends attended courses recently where the ustazah taught them how to
beat their wives the Islamic way.
Take a towel, tie a knot at
one end and beat her all over, except her face. If she is pregnant, you
can beat her anywhere but her stomach!
Now, such advice cannot
be the skills one should learn in a pre-marital course if the intent is
to assist young couples in developing friendship, partnership and
constructive conflict resolution skills in an intimate relationship
where conflict is inevitable.
